If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
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When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Happy Friday
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture