Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
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Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.