My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
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A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.