The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
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The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.