*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
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[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.