Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
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my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
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5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.