The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
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finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”