Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
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going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.