Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
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I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
That time Alicia messaged me
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
CRYING
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*