reminder
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Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?