ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
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Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
was Jim off killing horses or…
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Have kids, they said
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
the icebreaker
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.