[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
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I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.