accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
You Might Also Like
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend