Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
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Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE