Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
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Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*