Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
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Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.