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Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.