Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
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Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.