Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
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Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.