People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
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A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
The Book. The Movie.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.