FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
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she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Donkey Kong sommelier
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being