i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
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I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.