Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
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I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.