cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
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Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed