When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
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Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…