“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
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The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants