Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
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Lube but for my dry humor.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife