I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
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People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.