*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
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If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.