Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
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ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Saturday
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.