Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
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Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Not today.. 😂
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.