My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
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Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one