Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
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After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Phones down.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat