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My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Come back with a warrant
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!