Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
You Might Also Like
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
The best plant holders?
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Ovenable?
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???