Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
You Might Also Like
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
i wish we could shoplift online
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.