Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
You Might Also Like
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”