If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
You Might Also Like
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”