Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
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I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
What flavor cupcake are these
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*