Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
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I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.