I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
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does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.