IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
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me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Oh, I bet you would be
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.