I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
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“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.