Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
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I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.