Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
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3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
R.I.P.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?