I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
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ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this