Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
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My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
I’m giving up ice.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??