Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
You Might Also Like
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
shampoo implies shampee
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.