“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
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Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Jurassic park gets weird
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I triple waxed for this?
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”