Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
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Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.